Last Drink (Again)

7:14 pm Pacific daylight time, 3/31/09. The last swig out of the fifth of Skyy Vodka, purchased on the way home from work in San Jose is now inside my body. My sobriety birthday will be April Fool's day, 2009. Am I a fool for believing my own nonsense? Or has my first AA meeting convinced me that this is the way to go?

AA v1

After months of trying to get sober, and fucking up again and again, I went to my first AA meeting last Friday. It was nothing like I expected. About 75 people crammed into a room, all shapes and sizes. Some were clearly current major addicts, nodding off. Some longtime sober. And everything in-between. But all welcoming. I arrived a bit late, about 5 min after the meeting had started, and with no seats to be seen I stood in the back by the door. Before I even had a chance to completely absorb the scene, the leader asked "do we have any newcomers", and a few people raised their hands. So I did too. She said, so let's have introductions from the newcomers. She said let's start with him, meaning the guy to my left. He said, "my name's and I'm an alcohlic." Everyone in the room joyously shouted "hi " and erupted in applause. Then the leader turned to me. The whole room looked right at me, standing in the back. Without hesitation, I admitted what I was to a group of strangers . . . something I had never admitted directly to anyone before. "Hi, I'm and I'm an alcoholic. The room erupted in applause. The guy closest to me shook my hand. My life changed forever.

Running for the Wagon

I had it in my hands today.

Last night I promised myself, and my wife, that there'd be no booze in the house anymore.

Woke up this morning, no alcohol in the house. Didn't drink. Had a great day with the wife & kid. Then I left around 3pm to take my bike to the shop and thought "great opportunity to sneak a beer or 2 at a bar". Walked past several bars on the way home from the bike shop and didn't go in. Resisted the temptation.

Then I thought that it would be fun to bring some vodka home. Bought a pint of Smirnoff and drinking it now. Wife is out with one of the girls. Son is sleeping.

I need to be done with this in 2008. Crossing over into 2009 as a drunk is not going to happen.

Time To Reinvent Myself

I've been a pretty heavy drinker since my late 20's. I'm in my early 40's now and it's time to stop. I tried to stop about a year ago, but gradually drifted back into my habits of drinking between 5-15 drinks a day. Recently it's gotten to the point that I'm drinking the moment I wake up.

It's making me fat, it's causing trouble in my marriage, it's making me ineffective at my job.

I'm not using booze, it's using me.

I was also a pretty heavy pot smoker for many years. I managed to put that down a few months ago, but when I did the boozing got heavier. When I stop doing one, I tend to start doing the other more. A big seesaw.

But what I'm trying to figure out is what to do with the time that I am going to have on my hands when I'm not spending my evenings and weekends loaded to the gills. Is life going to get boring?